In last week’s post I covered some Do’s and Don’ts in reference to the expectations we have for dogs and children. But we can’t solve all problems with just our expectations. Training must be part of both your dog’s life and your child’s life. To help you out, in this post I am going to get into the specifics of appropriate behaviors for your child and dog.
Being Polite
What behaviors should your child do when interacting with dogs? Put simply, children need to act politely. Let’s start by looking at human examples of impolite versus polite behavior. For example, if your child wanted to play with you, would you want your child to walk up and smack you in the face with a toy? Probably not. You would probably rather have them approach you calmly and ask nicely if you could play with them. If we don’t like to be smacked with toys, we should not expect a dog to like that either. If you were eating a bowl of cereal and your child wanted some, would you like it if your child just walked up, stuck its hand in your cereal and started eating your food without asking? Probably not. You would probably prefer that the child ask you for help getting its own food (or ask permission to have some of yours). If we don’t like having things taken from us, we should not expect dogs to be okay with that either. Sadly, we often forget that dogs dislike these kinds of things and as a result, I have noticed that children do things to dogs that they would never be allowed to do to another human. While there are differences between what is polite in the dog world and what is polite in the human world, there are also some similarities in the general logic of being polite (e.g. respect personal space, do not take things without asking, speak kindly, get help from an adult when being polite does not work). Dogs also need to learn to be polite to people and children. Many things that dogs do naturally might seem impolite to us, so we need to help our dogs learn when it is okay to do certain behaviors (like jump and chase). Please help your dog and child by teaching your child to be “polite” to your dog and your dog to be polite to your child.
What Should Your Child Do?
There are many behaviors that children do around dogs (or to dogs) that dogs dislike. As a result, teaching our children what they should do instead is extremely important for both the comfort and safety of all children and dogs involved. To help you with this, below is a list of 10 things children do that dogs do not like. Under each behavior is an alternative behavior you can teach your child and what your dog can do in response to the child’s undesired behavior. Keep in mind that the dog behaviors will involve ways that the dog can defuse the situation if it is uncomfortable with what the child is doing. If your dog chooses to engage in these behaviors (or other stress signals), take that as a sign that it does not want to be with your child at that moment or is uncomfortable with the interaction. Also, please keep in mind that you might need to teach your dog to do these behaviors in the presence of your child. If your dog has developed “learned helplessness”, it might not know that the rules have changed (e.g., your dog is now allowed to walk away and get help instead of relentlessly being followed by the child), so you will need to take extra time to reteach your dog that it has the freedom to walk away and/or get help. Also, please set up a safe space for your dog. This will be a place your dog can go where your child either cannot reach it or has learned to leave your dog alone while it is in that safe space.
1. Hugging
Alternate Child Behavior: Gently stroking dog (gently leaning into the dog is okay but only if the dog offers that behavior itself)
Solution Behavior for Dog: Walk away or go to safe space.
2. Kissing
Alternate Child Behavior: Scratch behind the ear.
Solution Behavior for Dog: Leaning or walking away (they might naturally offer a lean away so keep an eye out for that, especially if your dog has developed learned helplessness) or going to its safe space.
3. Poking
Alternate Child Behavior: If your child wants the dog’s attention, teach your child the dog’s name and have your child say the dog’s name then give the dog a treat to practice calling the dog and help the dog learn to respond to your child. If the child is poking just because it wants to, teach your child to pet the dog instead (unless it is sleeping. If the dog is sleeping, teach the child to do something that does not involve the dog).
Solution Behavior for Dog: Walk away or go to safe space.
4. Pushing/Hitting/Sitting on
Alternate Child Behavior: Teach your child to pet the dog gently. Also, it can be helpful to teach the child the reason(s) why the dog does not like being poked (it hurts and sometimes it is scary). This can help the child feel like they are helping the dog by not poking it.
Solution Behavior for Dog: Walk away or go to safe space.
5. Touching its face/Touching its bottom under the tail
Alternate Child Behavior: Pet the dog gently or “look with your eyes not with your hands.” Keep in mind that dogs do not like to be stared at. However, your child may be curious about different parts of your dog’s body. Take some time to monitor your child and tell it what all the parts of your dog’s body are and answer all your child’s questions. But do so without touching the dog, unless your child will be petting the dog gently instead. I would also highly recommend giving your dog treats as you do this just so it builds up a positive associate to having your child nearby.
Solution Behavior for Dog: Move to a different position or go to safe space.
6. Pulling/Dragging by the collar or scruff
Alternate Child Behavior: If your child can speak, teach it is to call your dog by name. If the dog will not come, teach the child to get help from an experienced adult. Once again, explaining to the child why the dog does not like to be pulled on (it can hurt and can be scary/frustrating) can help the child feel like they are helping the dog by getting help instead of pulling.
Solution Behavior for Dog: This one is hard because the adults may need to grab the dog’s collar for various reasons and you want your dog to be comfortable with that (however, no one should drag the dog around by the collar). As a result, this one is up to your child learning to get help and everyone in the house working on teaching the dog to respond to its name and come when called even when the child calls the dog. Keep in mind that if your dog responds to everyone but the child, it may be ignoring the child because it is uncomfortable with interacting with the child and is choosing to simply stay away. If that is the case, please do not force your dog to interact with your child.
7. Taking things/taking food
Alternate Child Behavior: Teach your child to give more than it takes. Have your child give your dog food while it is eating. Teach your child to gently toss treats near the dog’s dish (teach your child to stand at least three feet away and toss treats). Only have them do this when an adult is available to stand right next to them and participate. Make sure the child knows how to toss food gently and to the ground next to the dog, rather than at the dog. (Never let your child throw things at the dog as opposed to gently tossing things near the dog, even if it is food). If your child can speak clearly, teach it the cues you have for your dog such as “give”. Also, teach your child to trade with the dog (if I take something, I need to give something higher in value in return). Only teach the trading to older children who know that they are not supposed to take the dog’s toys when the dog is using them. If the dog takes something to its safe space, teach your child not to interact with the dog or the object it has. (If the object does not belong to the dog teach the child to come get help from an experienced adult.)
Solution Behavior for Dog: Give the dog access to toys in a location your child cannot get to. Teach your dog to come to you for help if the child is taking things from it. You can do this by teaching your dog to seek eye contact with you when the child has taken something from it. Please make sure that if your dog asks for help that you actually do respond and help in that moment. Even if the dog has taken something that it should not have, you still want to respond kindly and make sure that the dog gets something it can have that it will enjoy having equally or more than what was taken away.
8. Following/chasing
Alternate Child Behavior: Teach your child to play fetch with the dog instead. If your child is following the dog around when the dog is trying to get away, teach your child to ask, “Why is the dog moving away?” so they can get an explanation. Then give the child something else to do. You can have them toss a ball for the dog or toss treats. However, if the dog just wants space, teach your child to be okay with leaving the dog alone for a while (it can be helpful to give your child something else to do, like coloring).
Solution Behavior for Dog: Go to safe space.
9. Interrupting sleep
Alternate Child Behavior: Teach your child to find something else to do when the dog lays down, such as playing with its own toys in its own space away from the dog. If your child wants the dog’s attention when it is sleeping, teach your child to let the dog sleep and not interrupt it. If the dog is awake and just lying there, teach your child to call it by name or get help from an adult. Once again, it can be helpful to explain to your child why the dog does not like being interrupted when it is sleeping (e.g., it is tired and wants a nap and being woken up can be startling and frustrating). This can help the child feel like it is helping the dog by allowing it to sleep peacefully.
Solution Behavior for Dog: Dog’s cannot defend themselves or move when they are asleep. This one is up to you and your child. Please respect your dog’s space. Many dogs will choose to sleep in their safe space. If this is where your dog chooses to sleep, please respect that choice, and leave it there to sleep undisturbed and teach your child to do the same.
10. Screaming/crying
This one is hard for everyone. This is something that you will simply need to monitor and help your child learn to communicate better and your dog to simply leave the room.
Alternate Child Behavior: For non-infant children, raising a hand when something is needed or putting a hand on mom or dad’s hip and waiting until they can give the child attention are great behaviors to teach children.
Solution Behavior for Dog: Leaving the room. Especially if you have a new baby, please provide your dog with a location it can be in to avoid sound. Your dog can hear a lot better than even a new human mom, so baby’s crying is very loud and can be very stressful. Putting your dog’s safe space (or even a second safe space) in a quiet corner somewhere where the baby will not be crying can be helpful for the dog (and might help prevent the dog from whining or barking to counteract the high-pitched noise).
Closing Thoughts
Dogs and children can be a lot to handle together. But it is important to keep everyone safe and to do that, we need to be respectful of the dog’s needs and emotions while also understanding that children need help when it comes to interacting with dogs. Dogs and children can get along and be a recipe for sweet moments and fun times. However, we need to understand and remember that dogs are not humans. They are dogs. They are going to respond like dogs, and we cannot blame them based on human social rules. I have yet to meet a dog who does anything without a reason; we are often just not paying attention to what they are trying to tell us. Please do not blame the dog for human oversight.
For children, it is important that they are given instruction, but that they learn to love helping the dog through their own behavior. Explaining to the child why the dog dislikes things and giving them examples that they can relate to can help the child understand and feel like they are participating in the dog’s life and helping the dog feel comfortable and safe. Always teach your child what it should do instead. Rather than simply telling them what not to do, you want to teach your child that they have control over their behavior and help them learn to develop self-control. This is something that will take time and get easier for them as they get older, but when they learn that they can help others through their own behavior, in my experience, they will often not only choose to do so, but they will enjoy doing so as well! So, make it fun for both the dog and child and be understanding of both the dog’s animal nature and the child’s stage of development and both the dog’s and child’s personalities. This is a great time to learn more about who your dog is and who your child is and learn to teach them based on their developing natural skills and blossoming personality. Let’s raise pets and children who learn to build relationships that are based on trust and clear communication! And remember to have fun!
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