Redefining Respect: Part 1

This is a common phrase that animal trainers hear from clients, “My animal does not respect me.” But what does this mean? When we want something from our pets, we must know what it is that we want them to do. What do we think “respect” looks like? Is respect what we actually want? What do we want from our pets? These are some of the questions we must answer when this word comes up in reference to our animal’s behavior.

What is Respect?

When looking at behavior we should first define the words we use to describe it. The most common definition of respect that I could find is “esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability” (found at https://www.dictionary.com/browse/respect ).

Now, what is missing from this definition? Many people who mention the word “respect” in reference to their pets often are referring to their pet’s behavior in response to something the owners say or do. But according to this definition, respect is about how one sees another because of something that person has done. This definition uses the words “excellence” and “ability.” This seems to indicate that the person who is respected must also do something to earn that respect.

At this point you might notice that there are two sides to the concept of respect. The one who respects must see something worth respecting and the person who is respected must do something worth respecting. This probably makes sense. However, not everyone respects the same behavior. If these are the conditions of respect that people follow, why would we expect anything more of animals?

Now that we know how people define respect, and we have discovered that it isn’t practical to expect more of our pets than of ourselves, what do we do? If we look at our definition of respect, we notice that it includes how we think of other people. What do our pets think of us? What have we done to earn their respect? In relationships there are two sides. Someone must act first and the other then responds. Being the teacher and the leader, it is our job to act first.

It Is Up to Us

If this is the case in reference to respect, then why do people say their animal doesn’t respect them? There are two answers to this. First, we haven’t earned respect. Second, it isn’t respect we are looking for.

First, we might not have earned respect. What do we do to earn respect? Think of it this way. Imagine there is a teacher at school who was way too strict, never allowed room for error, and sent people to the principal’s office for the slightest disturbance. Now imagine a teacher who was strict but taught the class how to follow the rules and rewarded them for doing so. This teacher also took time to talk to students outside of class if they were having trouble or causing problems. Which of these teachers would you respect? The question we should ask here is have we as pet owners taken time to teach and care for our pets, instead of expecting too much of them? If we want respect, we must be the guide, companion, and teacher that our pets want to respect.

What Do We Really Want?

The second reason we might think our animal does not respect us is because they don’t know how. It is not that they don’t respect us, but that their collection of behaviors does not include the ones that we would define as respect. Our pets are not people. They don’t grow up with 18 years of childhood during which their parents teach them how to show respect. We, as their owners (and parents) must do that training and we sadly don’t have 18 years to do so.

Knowing that, we can say that it is not respect that is the problem; it is that we haven’t taught our pets the tools they need to interact with others in our society. What we really want are well behaved pets and in order to do that, we must teach them what respect looks like to us.

For example, to us, we often think respect is that they simply do as we ask them to, when we ask them to do so. However, if you put a two year old in a candy store, give them one taste of the candy, then tell them they can’t touch anything and must stand still next to you while you talk for 20 minutes to a friend, they can’t do that! Nor would most people expect them to do so. Children might be able to do it when they are older, but not when they are two years old. Once again, we can’t expect more of our pets than we would of ourselves or even our children.

So, what we really want is for our pets to act a certain way. We want them to respond to us and do what we ask them to do. In order for that to happen, we must teach them. Respect has nothing to do with it. So instead of focusing on whether or not our pets respect us, we should focus on teaching them how to respond to cues. Because if we know that they know how to “behave”, and if we teach them those behaviors with positive reinforcement so they like to perform those behaviors, then when they do not perform those behaviors, we can assume that they have a good reason. Rather than promoting fights for respect, this training promotes relationship, understanding, and reliable behaviors.