Christmas time can be a time of fun with family, or a time of facing strained relationships. Through working with animals and getting my degree in psychology, I have learned a lot about how certain animal training techniques can be helpful in developing human relationships as well.
Training animals involves certain steps that I think teach us a lot about relationships. When training animals it is important to be consistent and clear. These are essential parts of any good relationship. To do this with animals, I use a clicker. The process of using a clicker involves three main steps: observe, click, and treat. First, one observes behavior, next they mark the desired behavior, then they deliver the treat to reward the animal for performing the desired behavior. So, what does this have to with relationships? In my experience, the concepts used in this process are very important in developing good relationships in general.
Observe
When I work with animals, I first observe the desired behavior. The interesting thing abut this stage, and something that often surprises people, is that I wait for the animal to offer the behavior. There are some situations where I set the animals up to succeed. However, I don’t physically force the animal to perform the behavior (for example, I don’t push down on their bottom to get them to sit). This concept can be applied to human relationships. I have found that people often feel the need to go the route of forcing others do what they want without considering what the motive is behind the other person’s behavior. However, in relationships it is important to take the time to observe and understand before we try to correct or even support. Jumping to a certain response instead of taking time to think through the other person’s reasoning behind what they are doing or saying creates confusion and often results in us missing the performance of the behavior, or response, we want to see in the other person.
Click
After I observe the animal’s behavior, I find the behavior I want them to repeat and I mark that behavior. With animals I use a clicker to mark their behavior, but with people we usually use language. We communicate by saying things like “that is what I am talking about” or “Oh, I understand.” But many times, we tend to be quite vague with our responses. Now, this is not to say that we shouldn’t use these responses, but I think there is something to be learned from the concept of verbally making it clear that we want something to be repeated by the other person.
Reward
With animals, the reward is extremely important and a huge focal point. I focus on what I can reward because animals do not always understand the language I am speaking, and thus, I cannot verbally explain to them why they should not do something. The reward is the final step, and I think a very important one. With people this process is a little different. We, as humans, have the ability to explain ourselves, so we can reprimand or say, “don’t do that” and people often know what we are talking about. However, I think there is something to be learned from the focus on finding things to reward. People often capitalize on what they want to stop. This desire to stop behavior can be helpful and should be used in many situations between people. Yet, imagine if we searched for things to encourage in others, rather than searching for things to stop. What if telling someone to stop doing something was our secondary approach to social interaction and encouraging them to do something was our first course of action?
Willingness
Many times, when working with animals, I have found that people often are not willing to communicate with the animal. This is not always done out of spite, but simply lack of interest or even ignorance. But willingness is extremely important because someone has to make the first move. When working with animals, before I can train them, before I can change their behavior, I must earn their interest. I must give them a reason to pay attention to me. It is the same way with people. We need to do our part in the process of communication. If we are not willing to be the first to communicate, there is no guarantee that anyone else will.
Closing Thoughts
I love working with animals because I benefit in other areas of life due to what I have learned from the animal training process. It is important to keep in mind that we can learn from any situation. We can learn about the most important parts of our lives from even the smallest of situations. We simply must be willing. Willing to learn. Willing to understand. Willing to communicate. Relationships are hard and take time. But imagine if we were not only willing to try, but willing to focus on what we need from each other and hopefully as a result, willing to forgive and willing to succeed.
This Christmas season, I encourage everyone to focus on communicating. Be willing to communicate and develop and maintain relationships, whether with animals or with people.
I wish you all a wonderful time with family and friends and a very Merry Christmas!
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